notes for when we're in it

I was talking to a friend the other day. Well, crying to a friend the other day. I was feeling a little bit ledgey. Emotional. Drastic. In a precarious place. She didn’t try to talk me out of it. She just got up on the metaphorical ledge with me. Stood next to me. Stayed with me until I was ready to come down.

This is what we all need I think. Not someone to fast forward us, or slap a silver lining on it, or remind us that it will get better and this is all happening for a reason. Part of us knows all of that, but perhaps the loudest (the neediest) part of us is on the ledge and we just want someone to sit there beside us. Maybe with a hand on our shoulder. We’re asking: just be in it with us. We’re already in it and that’s hard but harder still is to be alone in it. Please, don’t leave us alone in it.

It is a gift to have a friend who will climb up onto the ledge. It is a gift to be this friend. Ledgewalkers and edgewalkers, I️ see you. I’m with you. It’s scary and hard and you’re really high up there and really deep down in it. I’ll sit with you, limbs trembling and wind whipping all around us. I won’t try to fix it or talk you down or point out the beautiful view. I’ll just be here. With you. For as long as it takes. We don’t have to go anywhere til you’re ready.

forgive yourself for not being there yet

Forgive yourself for not being there yet.

This is the message that asks to be spoken through me. It’s for you and it’s for me and it’s for all of us.

We are not there and yet we are getting there. It’s okay to be where we are. It’s okay if we can’t stand being where we are. If we’re so tired of having one limb on either side of a doorway, choicepoint, portal. Liminal spaces are challenging-keep going. Or rest. Rest is also moving us forward because moving inward moves us forward, even if it seems still to the point of cement-stuck in the moment.

There’s no finish line and if there is, we are spiraling and with each go-around crossing it. Perhaps without even knowing, which might be why the journey feels endless.

Take heart, my dears: no one is there yet. We are all forever arriving.

are your hobbies joyful or triggering?

Are your hobbies joyful or triggering?

Here’s the thing. I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately. Some things that I️ love to do (meditative/ecstatic dance, for example) send me to deep and dark&twisty places.

I️ spend a lot of time willingly exploring those places (somatic processing, bodywork, therapy, journaling) and it’s come to me lately that I️ need something I️ love that is just FUN.

If complex trauma has lived through you (and you it) you’re familiar with this very layered life. Rarely is anything simple, and everything touches something else.

At an ecstatic dance class a few weeks ago I️ felt safe, which made me cry. Ya know? It just goes that way sometimes.

So I’m not saying to avoid triggers all of the time, I’m just saying: do you have any hobbies that mostly bring you joy and mostly don’t dredge deep things up for you? I’m still looking for one. Let me know what brings you JOY. Let me know what brings you space to hold pain and process. I’m so curious.

There are many ways to take care. ❤️