It is not trauma informed to tell survivors to “stop playing the victim”

I understand why we say the things we do. And still, I’m going to call us in about it. Here’s one:

It is not trauma informed to tell survivors to “stop playing the victim”.

⋒ Stop playing the victim

⋒ Drop the victim card

⋒ Stop victimizing yourself

How many of us have heard this?

How many of us have said this?

We might say this because we have heard this before (this is common for so many spiritual bypassing phrases- we repeat the lines we have heard), or we have needed to believe this in order to survive a situation in which we were harmed (another super smart-wise-brilliant [and okay yeah when it comes to spiritual bypassing, harmful] survival strategy).

Today I’m here to tell you that:

⋒ IT’S UNDERSTANDABLE

to want control, agency, or empowerment in a disempowering, violent or harmful situation.

⋒ & YET, IT’S STILL NOT

trauma-informed, kind or appropriate to say to someone. It implies someone chose the harm they suffered. And they didn’t! I repeat: and they didn’t! This is gravely offensive & insensitive. May we watch our language.

I have so much compassion for the reasons we say the things we do, and so much compassion for folks who are harmed by the things we sometimes say. If you’d like to explore with someone (me!) who holds both empathy and accountability, and will invite you into a somatic journaling process of unlearning spiritual bypassing and discovering kind and just language — you might just love the guide I made for you! If this calls to you, you can find It’s Not All Good here.

With the boths & the ands but none of the bullshit,

Jess